Not to brag or anything, but we have the most amazing birth families you could ask for. They are kind, are amazing at communicating, and want to be involved. I thought I would take a moment to introduce them and the relationship we have with them.
When we were contacted for Jackson, we were emailed by Jackson's birth Grandmother. Jackson's birthmom Abby was several months along and the family they had been communicating with had backed out. A. was upset about the whole process so her mom, Debbie, stepped in to help out. We met at an Olive Garden and we sat and talked. We got to know each other and our expectations of each other. We both wanted an open adoption and we talked about what that meant for both of us.
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Open adoption can mean many different things for different people. For some, it's just knowing who the birth family is and a few pictures sent every so often. For others, it is much more involved. Our version of open adoption has changed as we have become more experienced in our adoption journey. We started off with promises of 3-4 in person visits a year with a blog and facebook. I personally regret restricting contact with our birth family. I talked with Abby about my regrets and how badly I feel about it today, but she said that it was good for her to have space to heal. I'm happy to say that our open adoptions are not like they were. We have our birth families over for birthdays, graduations, recitals, baptisms, etc. Anything I would invite our extended family over for, we invite our birth families as well. We also go down for Halloween parties, birthdays of our birth families, etc. Open adoption does not always look this way. We are lucky to have relationships based on trust and respect of boundaries and communication. It breaks my heart when I hear stories of birth families burned by adoptive families. Adoptive parents are under no legal requirements to uphold their promises. I hope that our current relationships with our birth families reflect a positive light on what open adoption could be.
3 weeks after we were contacted by Debbie, Jackson was born. Abby invited us into the hospital and I was even able to be there during the birth. To say that it was an amazing and emotional experience would be an understatement. When you adopt, if there is room on the L&D floor, they let adoptive parents stay in a room. We were able to spend time with Jackson and Abby and her family. We got to meet her friends and visitors. We got to spend time together and Abby got to spend time with Jack.
About 4 years later, we had completed a home study to find a sibling for Jackson. Jackson's birth aunt had a friend from high school who was looking at families to place with. She mentioned her sister placed with us and she should look into our family. We met at the Cheesecake factory ( I suppose meeting at restaurants is tradition now?) and we talked. We told them about ourselves and encouraged them to explore all their options when it comes to families. We wanted the relationship between all parties needed to be 'right.' A few months later, we were called when Megan (birthmom) was in labor and they had chosen us. We were able to be there again with Kennedy at the hospital.
When Kennedy was 6 months old, Megan let us know that she was expecting again. It was extremely difficult for her. We let her know that we would continue to support her and any decisions she made. We are so lucky that she chose to keep the girls together. We now have one son and two daughters who are the best of friends. Madison was born May of 2020. Because of Covid, we were not able to go into the hospital as before. Megan also decided that this time, she would like to take her home for a week. We supported her and her decisions. I love that she took time to bond with Madi that way.
With Megan, she did not want space like Abby did. So a week after Kennedy was born, they came over to our house to be with her. Megan and I also came up with a system for when she needs support and wants so see her girls. I felt uncomfortable with her texting me to see the girls. I felt it would be demeaning for a person to have to ask to see their kids. So instead, when she asks for pics (which is anytime, even late at night), she asks for some cheesecake. It's a little play on where we met. She when she asks if I have any cheesecake, I bombard her with all the new pics I have taken or take new ones. There have been a few times where I didn't have new ones since she has asked so I'll go take pics of them sleeping. It helps Megan know that they are safe, loved, and I am always there.
But I don't just share pictures when asked. Open adoption is awesome because there is no one else in the world that loves your child just as much as you do. So when your kid does something stupid that you think is cute, no one else is going to find it as cute as you do than your birth parents. "Look how big this booger is!" "Kennedy said this stupid thing!" "Look how beautiful her hair is today." No one else cares as much as the birth families! They will freak out just as much as you when they lose a tooth, when they skin their knee, or when they ride a bike for the first time. I love that I have someone to share those things with. I'm so glad that my kids have that kind of love and support. I love that my kids know who they are, where they come from, and who they can go to when they need help or advice. I am not a perfect mom. I am so lucky to have the support from such an amazing tribe.
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